Surviving the Holidays: Boundaries
As the holidays approach, many of us are looking forward to the festivities, traditions, and gatherings with family and friends. But there’s also pressure that can come with this season—pressure to give the perfect gift, host the perfect gathering, and create magical memories with loved ones. No wonder mental health and personal boundaries are often stretched (or ignored) in this season. We can all learn a thing or two about boundaries, as they can help us navigate the holidays while maintaining our peace of mind.
What Are Boundaries?
At its core, a boundary is simply a line that separates where our responsibilities end and where someone else’s begin. It’s a way of saying, “This is what I can handle, and this is what I cannot.”
Boundaries are not just a concept for personal well-being—they are the foundation of healthy relationships. By setting clear boundaries, we teach others how to treat us and create an environment in which we can feel safe, respected, and valued.
But even though boundaries are vital, many of us struggle to set them. This is especially true during the holiday season when expectations are high, and everyone seems to have an opinion about how things should go. Whether it’s dealing with family members who want to spend more time with us than we’re able to give, or handling work demands that pile up just before the holidays, we often find ourselves compromising our needs to meet others’ expectations.
Why Do We Struggle with Setting Boundaries?
For many of us, fear is the biggest obstacle to setting boundaries. We fear the reaction of others—whether it’s disappointment, anger, or judgment. We may worry that setting a boundary will hurt someone’s feelings, cause conflict, or make us seem selfish. There’s often guilt involved, especially when we are concerned about letting down the people we love.
This fear can leave us feeling stuck. We might not know how to communicate our boundaries, or we might be so afraid of confrontation that we avoid setting them altogether. The key to overcoming this fear is understanding that boundaries are not about pushing others away or being selfish—they are about protecting our mental and emotional health. By setting boundaries, we are creating space for ourselves and helping others understand our limits, which ultimately leads to healthier relationships.
Communicating Your Boundaries Effectively
Setting boundaries is one thing; communicating them is another. When it comes to difficult situations during the holidays, clear and direct communication is essential.
For example, imagine hosting a family event with some relatives who have political views that are very different than yours. It’s not uncommon for political discussions around the holiday dinner table to escalate into arguments and ruin the atmosphere. In this case, setting a clear, healthy boundary around political talk could be a game-changer.
Here’s how you could communicate that boundary:
"I’m so excited for our upcoming holiday gathering. We want to make sure it’s a fun and peaceful time for everyone, so we’ve decided that we’re not going to talk politics. I know it’s a topic you’re passionate about, but for the sake of keeping things light and enjoyable, we’d really appreciate it if everyone avoids political discussions. Thanks for understanding."
This is just one way to communicate your boundary without guilt. The key is to keep it clear and respectful while still acknowledging others’ feelings. But what happens if your boundary is crossed?
Reinforcing Your Boundaries
It’s important to follow through if someone crosses a boundary that you’ve already identified and communicated. In the example above, if you’ve clearly made your request to not talk politics at your table and someone decides to bring it up anyway, it’s time to recommunicate your boundary and add a consequence.
You could say something like this:
"I’m glad you are here, and I really want us all to have a good time together. If you remember, I asked that we not talk about politics today. I know you’re really passionate about the topic, but this isn’t the time or place to discuss it. If you’re not able to respect that, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. That would be unfortunate because I really want you to be here.
This can feel very uncomfortable but it’s important to reinforce the boundaries you’ve communicated. Otherwise, you’re sending the message that it’s okay for others to disregard them.
If your boundaries are still being violated, you’ll need to follow through on the consequence you communicated earlier. That might look something like this:
"I’ve asked you not to discuss politics today so we could have a fun and peaceful time together. It’s unfortunate you didn’t respect that request. I really don’t want to do this, but I’m going to have to ask you to leave.
While this may feel difficult and awkward, it’s a way to show that your own needs are valid and your boundaries should be respected. It may be uncomfortable in the moment, but ultimately, it’s the right thing to do to grow in healthy relationships.
The Importance of Healthy Holiday Boundaries
The holiday season is meant to be a time of joy, connection, and relaxation. But when we don’t set clear boundaries, it can quickly turn into a season of stress, conflict, and frustration. By setting healthy boundaries and sticking to them, we are prioritizing our well-being and giving ourselves the opportunity to enjoy the season to its fullest. We’re able to show up for the people we love without sacrificing our mental and emotional health.
So, this holiday season, take a deep breath, set your boundaries, and know that you have the right to protect your peace of mind. You’ve got this!
We have more resources to support your mental health and well-being through the holidays. And we'd love for you and your loved ones to join us for Christmas services. Look here for service times and locations for Christmas at Chase Oaks.